When I was writing this paper I had only recently played this game so I still remembered it in detail. This helped me write the paper with as much detail as I could.In this paper one thing that I think I did well was describing what was going on. I think the reader will be able to understand the emotions we were having while playing the game. When I was writing it I had trouble explaining the game of field hockey and not knowing how much I should assume the reader doses not know. I would like feed back on the following point on the character sketch about coach Howlett. Does there need to be more of a description of coach Howlett? I am not convinced that I gave a good description of her. Should I get rid of the people screaming V.I.C.T.O.R.Y? Is it confusing as to why we are screaming? I know it is a tradition of field hockey to do this but should I add this into the paper. Does the paper concentrate to much on the game and not on the coach herself? The assignment of the paper was to write about a person and there influence on you. Should I give examples of the coach at times other than that one game? Would that let the reader get to know her better? Should I talk about the coach more at practice? Should I describe what a corner is because it is an important part of the story?
Victory Out of Defeat
“Bang” the ball hit the back of the goal. We had just scored on East Rochester . With only seven and a half minutes left in the game the score was two to one and East Rochester wining. As we ran back to our side to set up we celebrated on and off of the field. The last time we had beaten this team was in 2003. We were still losing but not being creamed, so we were doing well and could pull of an upset.
Our coach on the side line was so excited for us and was cheering us on. In high school she played field hockey and lacrosse. She still looks like an athlete even now bundled in her many layers of clothing to combat the cold rain that was now a constant flow. Under all of though layers she has stringy muscular arms, round shoulders and a slender neck. Now that we knew that we could score against them we wanted another goal to tie the game up. If we could tie the game it would go into over time and we could have a chance of wining. We were all determined to score another goal and played incredible.
With only one minute left in the game a corner was called for us. Then when the corner was being played out another corner was called in our favor. Every one on the side line was cheering so loudly. Our coach was telling us that we could do this and score a goal.
The time ran out on the clock but the corner would be played out before the game ended. Our coach was cheering from the side line screaming, “You can do it”. We could do it and all we needed to do was to believe in ourselves. With no time left on the clock we scored a goal.
Every one was screaming and so excited. An outsider would have thought that we had just won a major game. We hadn’t even won, we only tied the game and we were going into over time. When we finally calmed down our coach gave us a motivational speech. She told us that we could do this but to calm down. “We can do this girls” she told us. “I want this and we can do it. It is raining and cold out so let’s score a goal and win quickly. We have so much energy right now we can score a goal in over time and win tonight. It would be amazing if we could win tonight we can do it we out played them the last fifteen minutes and if we bring that energy into overtime we will win.” We were all freezing and soaking wet and wanted to go home and get dry and warm. It looked like we had all taken a swim we were so wet. Despite the conditions coach Howlett’s caramel brown hair was long and strait coming out of her pony tall. Her skin was milky with rosy red cheeks that complemented her almond shaped biscuit eyes. In the middle of her heart-shaped face she has a button nose and rosebud lips.
The excitement of almost wining had every one on adrenalin and we were cheering our lungs out. We knew we could do it. We could win. Our coach believed in us even though that season our record was 1-2-5. Despite our record she had not given up on our team and she believed that we could win this game and all of our other games. It was refreshing to have our coach who had coached for eight years not be discouraged by our record and believe in us. Throughout the season after every game that we lost she would tell us to not give up and keep on trying.
All of our persistence was starting to finally pay off we only needed to score in over time. We all got together and told each other that we could do this and then cheered “Unite the Unit”. Our problem was that we were not playing as a whole we were playing as individuals. Then the team of seven ran on to the field for sudden death over time. The entire time everyone on the side line was cheering for the team. Only two minutes and fifteen seconds into the game we scored a goal on East Rochester . Everyone was so excited and was jumping up and down. We had just won only our second game half way through the season. Our coach was jumping up and down with all of us. We then all ran out on the field and congratulated and celebrated with the players that had played out the over time.
Our coach congratulated us, “I am so proud of you girls. It was incredible the determination you showed out on the field.” We couldn’t stop cheering and smiling. We were so happy that we had finally won a game. On the bus ride home we cheered the whole way home. JV had also won there game so the entire bus was happy. We cheered “Freshman, freshman what’s your cry”
“V.I.C.T.O.R.Y”
“Sophomore, Sophomore what’s your cry”
“V.I.C.T.O.R.Y”
“Junior, junior what’s your cry”
“V.I.C.T.O.R.Y”
“Senior, senior what’s your cry”
“V.I.C.T.O.R.Y”
The next day we had another game and before we played we talked about the game we had played the day before. Our coach exclaimed, “I am so proud that you did not give up and decided that you could win the game. You pushed through and came out with an outstanding victory from near defeat. When victory seemed out of reach we did not give up and our persistence paid off. This proves that nothing is set in stone until the end, and one should never give up until the end.” After that game we won 7 out of our 8 games and before that game we had only won 1 and tied 2 out of 7 games. When things are not going well one should not give up they should continue trying and never give up. Victory can come out of near defeat. Our coach taught us that and was recognized by the rest of our league by receiving the coach of the year award. She pushed us to be our best and never gave up on our team.
Hi Allie,
ReplyDeleteI’ve really enjoyed reading your reflections so far and I’m anxious to see how this paper has evolved for you. I remember the first draft from the beginning of the semester.
1. Does there need to be more of a description of coach Howlett? I am not convinced that I gave a good description of her.
I like the opening description of her and I think I would open with it. Start with that paragraph and the rest will be evident. We don’t even need to know the last time you beat ER and it really doesn’t matter that it was 2 to 1. I know that it is building up some suspense but you can reveal it in one sentence just after your description of her.
In that paragraph, you talk about her then about the game, split those two topics into two paragraphs. This might be where you make clear that it won’t be a shut-out
During the paragraph that has her motivational speech, make sure to use commas between the narration and the dialogue. For example:
“We can do this girls,” she told us.
(Don’t forget the comma)
And later when she talks more, you need to introduce it either before, during or after her long passages. Here are some options:
She continued talking red-faced from the cold wind blowing at her, “I want this and we can do it…”
OR
“I want this and we can to it,” she said calmly smiling through red cheeks. She continued, “It is raining and cold out…”
OR
“We can do this girls….energy into overtime we win,” she smiled on the last syllable through wind burned cheeks.
You might even use some of the physical descriptions of her at the end of the paragraph to drag out the speech a bit. You can have her say a line and then describe how she looks as you all let the words sink in. I love your physical descriptions of her here. If you bounce back and forth between the dialogue and the description, it will help to hold the reader’s attention better and in my opinion, the writing will have a stronger sense of balance.
Continued below...
My thoughts continued...
ReplyDelete2. Should I get rid of the people screaming V.I.C.T.O.R.Y? Is it confusing as to why we are screaming? I know it is a tradition of field hockey to do this but should I add this into the paper.
This is a great question. I don’t think you need it. It shows the enthusiasm of the team and the bus ride home but the paper is about her so I don’t think you need it. If you take it out, we don’t lose anything about Coach so I think it is okay if you take it out.
3. Does the paper concentrate too much on the game and not on the coach herself? The assignment of the paper was to write about a person and there influence on you. Should I give examples of the coach at times other than that one game? Would that let the reader get to know her better? Should I talk about the coach more at practice? Should I describe what a corner is because it is an important part of the story?
I think the paper has a nice sense of balance. You needed the story of the game and the intensity of it for us to see her true personality shine. I don’t think you need any other examples or practices either. If you did want to include another short example from a practice, you might flashback to an earlier practice that gets triggered by something in the game. It would be okay but you don’t really need it.
I don’t think you need to describe a corner at all. We can all tell it is a game and a high-intensity one at that. You might let the reader know early on that it is a field hockey but I wouldn’t state it outright. Instead, you might mention that everyone’s legs were frozen underneath their field hockey shorts from the wind and rain.
Overall, this is a beautiful tribute to her. You should be proud!
I can't wait to see the next draft.
Ms. Basko